I am a bit alarmed about an apparent reappearance of my manic self. After almost two years of being able to do nothing more than go to work and come home to the solace of my bed, I have been wildly accomplished lately.

Today, for example: I cleaned and refilled all four extremely neglected fish tanks, tidied the house, did all my l laundry with none of the customary bemoaning, grocery shopped, purchased new fish and a water filter, and… replaced the knob on the front door which took me an embarrassingly long time. In the last two days, I have also built two different websites, written much content and begun learning a new software program that will hopefully launch my career to the next level.

I have barely eaten in days and have needed little sleep. This new found zest for life and seemingly endless energy would not concern me, except that I know what the other side looks like. I wish there were a way to smooth these peaks and valleys. I often wonder if I too am afflicted with bipolar disorder like my mother. Do I experience a chemical imbalance, or have I finally worked my life back into a balance that I thrive in?

My home environment is comfortable, my job is interesting and I am learning. Though I have wracked my tired nerves, I can’t find anything to worry about. I have also found what feels like a safe outlet for telling my story; I encourage myself to not discount how this too may impact my mental health.

This reoccurrence of a forgotten zeal for activity is both frightening and invigorating. It scares me because I don’t want to fall into that familiar pit of despair again. I am only just brushing the dark sludge from my limbs. I don’t trust myself enough to believe that maybe… I have figured out my own recipe for success.

For now, I will keep an eye on myself. I will make myself eat, and sleep as much as I am able. I will ensure to the best of my ability that my home and work lives remain steady. And I will enjoy this emergence from the heavy clouds that have hung over me for so long. There is no point in fighting the energy that I have been lamenting the loss of, even though this high makes me nervous for the seemingly inevitable fall from heaven.